After my parents, Verle and Lucille Ackerman, went to heaven, I reflected on what I’d learned, particularly how God walked tenderly with us. I hope to offer encouragement to you from someone looking back at the complete picture, highlighting a few critical lessons I wish I had known from the beginning.
I am glad I couldn’t see the future at the beginning of my journey. I would have been overwhelmed. Caregiving doesn’t always come naturally. It is common to feel vulnerable, especially as the illness intensifies. But it’s more than that – it’s a personal and critical responsibility to walk with a spouse, mom, or dad down this road, then place their hand in the hand of their Savior.
Stories about caring for my parents evolved into a book of important lessons I learned that I titled, Walk with Me: Caring, Living, and Planning Well for Aging Parents. I will briefly share the heart of a few critical lessons without going into details shared in the book.
Physical Care
I learned many medical lessons, but the most important was to ‘Know the Meds!’ Why? Because the doctor is only in charge for about 15 minutes during a medical appointment, the caregiver becomes fully responsible for the healthcare the rest of the time. When there are changes in mental or physical condition, I learned that the symptom could be a side-effect or reaction to a medication. By thoroughly learning about each medication (thank you, Webmd.com), I often identified the medication causing nausea, headache, or confusion. Managing medication is vital in healthcare. Another suggestion I learned along the way: drowsiness is a common side effect of many medicines. Ask if you can adjust the medication from daytime to bedtime.
Effective Planning
It is crucial to begin the planning process long before you think you need to. I would recommend this to start even in your forties. Something my husband, Clayton, and I do is called the “In Case I Die File.” Ugh, I know. Name it something more like ‘Information File’ if that makes you feel better. We have a large 9” x 12” envelope, and the first page inside is a detailed list of everyone to call and what to do – just in case. The file also contains documents, accounts, policies, keys, passports, birth certificates, etc. We update it every January. This file is invaluable to our adult children as it was for my parents and me. Use this file to begin a family conversation about your wishes, aging, and care. There are also planner books and digital planning available.
Family Matters
Few people consider the impact of family dynamics during the caregiving process. While some relationships bond, others fracture. The two most common relationship challenges center around your spouse and your siblings.
Concerning you and your spouse caring for one of your parents, I have heard it said, “If you don’t enter together, you’ll leave apart.” In short, know if it’s no because it absolutely takes complete agreement. If there’s disagreement or hesitation, consider alternative plans for your parent’s care. There’s no right or wrong, except if you lose your marriage. Clayton and I knew that caregiving would drastically change our plans for this season of our life. So, we discussed his work schedule and our finances and agreed on responsibilities. Our daily focus would have to adjust, but we committed to preserving our marriage with date nights, short trips, and maintaining friendships. But our walk with God was the genuine bond that held us together.
Regarding your siblings, I suggest you throw away the scale. What scale? The weighing of whom does the most, spends the most, and cares the most. And truthfully, it can never be fair. One person has to be the primary caregiver, and other siblings may be away, have time constraints, or are unwilling. So, why throw the scale away? Because the scale is in your favor. And the truth is this – you have the privilege of time with your dad or mom that no one else will ever have but you. Loving them will always be your priceless gift.
Lesson Leftovers
There are many more lessons, suggestions, and ideas for caregiving covered in my book, such as:
- Transition finances
- Understand memory loss
- Navigate difficult personalities
- Partner with healthcare
- Manage home care/assisted living
- Prepare for end-of-life decisions
These are all topics that need to be thought through ahead of time. Some are easier than others, but all are important.
Even though I loved my childhood and family growing up, those last years with my dad and mom are my dearest. Ultimately, all the caregiving fades, and our cherished hours together remain. I learned stories about Dad and his childhood that I would never have known. I saw what made him and the thread of God’s sovereignty through his life. I’ll never be the same.
Click here to read Part One of They Called Him Pastor. I Called Him Dad.
Click here to watch the video “The Life of Dr. Verle Ackerman.”
Click below to purchase Catherine Fitzhugh’s book, Walk with Me: Caring, Living, and Planning Well for Aging Parents.
As a missionary, my wife and I were not there for either of my parents. All these plans and care were put upon my brother. I did come home for a short time to lead and assist in getting Dad from home to assisted living and then it was back to Korea.
Georgia’s case was different because by the time her dad died we were retired. I got to see her care for her dad and spend quality time in the last week of his life. While it was difficult to observe, I wouldn’t have traded the experience. It was heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time.
My dad emailed me and my 4 sisters your 2 part articles. Thank you for helping us prepare before we need to. I really enjoyed watching the video of your father. My dad, too, is a Pastor. Can’t say that we’ve hosted President or 2 in our church. However, when I was around 13 years old, I did write President George Bush to invite him to our church’s Friend Day. 🙂 Thank you, again. I appreciate your statement to ditch the scale!