by Kevin Carson
A. The sins of the tongue have an incredible ability to hurt you and others (James 3:1-12). We could share so many stories of how gossip has fueled rumors, hurt friendships, tarnished reputations, damaged churches and ministries, and created division instead of unity.
Most of us have experienced the hurt of someone using his or her tongue carelessly or maliciously. Worse yet, is there any one of us whose words have not hurt someone else? James teaches that if a person can control his or her tongue, that one is mature and can control all the body (James 3:2).
Many times Christ-followers are put into a precarious situation when another person begins to share gossip. Sometimes gossip may sound like a “news” report, “Did you hear about …?” At other times it may sound like a prayer request, “Would you please pray for …?” Possibly it comes through a personal account by a friend, “You would never believe what happened to me …” So how do you respond when you are in this situation?
WHAT IS GOSSIP?
Jerry Bridges defines gossip as “the spreading of unfavorable information about someone else, even if that information is true.” A definition I have found very helpful over the years is, “Sharing information about another person when you are not part of the problem or part of the solution.” Often when we gossip, we actually share information we did not experience firsthand either by hearing or seeing the events we share.
WHAT MAKES GOSSIP WRONG?
There are several reasons gossip is wrong; I will limit my answer for space sake. Paul wrote, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification” (Ephesians 4:29). Gossip fails to meet this standard on several fronts. Gossip is corrupt communication. It does not seek to edify or impart grace to the hearer or the person as the object of the gossip. Plus, the motive of our gossip is often self-righteous pride and therefore does not honor Christ. Ultimately our words tear down instead of building up.
HOW TO RESPOND
- Seek the reason for sharing the forthcoming information. If this brother or sister is seeking advice, then it is appropriate to listen. Be careful to only get the information needed to give advice and not just to satisfy your curiosity.
- Politely ask the person to not share any further information with you than what has already been said. Ask God to help you believe, hope, and rejoice in righteousness (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Assume what is best, hope what is best, and choose not to dwell on what you have partially heard.
- Remind the other person of your commitment to glorifying God by honoring Christ and serving others in love by not sharing gossip. Let the one sharing gossip know your commitment to Christ is greater than your desire to hear anything about another person. There is no need to hear this news if, in fact, you are not part of the problem or part of the solution.
- Encourage him or her to go immediately to this other person to seek to reconcile the situation. Although Matthew 18 primarily addresses those inside the same church, the principles apply to gossip, generally. If one is offended by another brother, then go to that brother with an open heart, a desire for understanding, a hope for restoration, and a goal for God’s glory.
- Offer to hold the other person accountable for dealing with the situation in a timely way. If the person has already said too much before you could stop the conversation, now you are part of the situation. Therefore, it is appropriate to suggest a workable timetable in which this other person can pursue reconciliation. At that time, offer to contact the person back to see if, in fact, it has been dealt with appropriately.
- Pray for the one desiring to gossip, the other person as the object of gossip, and yourself. Pray the one desiring to gossip will grow to understand gossip, grow in sensitivity toward gossip, and grow in pursuit of godliness. Pray for wisdom to know how best to handle the issue. Pray for humility and awareness of God’s empowering grace. Pray God’s will would be done and that He would receive the glory in everyone involved as they seek to honor Him and love each other through God’s grace by the power of the Spirit.