By Kevin Carson
A. Valentine’s Day often brings our focus to love and relationships. The wording of this month’s question varies from person to person, but the heart of it remains, “Do I need to know the love languages in order to love this other person well?” The love languages vocabulary stems initially from Gary Chapman’s seminal work The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1992, 2015). Since then, Chapman has written books specifically addressing the love languages to husbands, wives, parents, and teenagers.
So do you need to know the love languages to love well? Short answer, no. However, it is not that simple. There are underlying strengths and weaknesses to the concept of love languages to consider if you hope to love another person well.
Chapman suggests each person is hardwired to receive love from another person through one of five love languages (5LL): 1) affirming words, 2) quality time, 3) gift-giving, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical affection. He depended upon his own personal observations and available research to create these categories. The 5LL are not explicitly drawn from the Scriptures. They instead are his observational assessment of how people function as it relates to love.
Although it is true you can love well without knowing the 5LL, as people have for centuries prior to 1992, there is wisdom in what Chapman suggests.
Initially, the 5LL reminds us we are all different; therefore, we express and receive love in potentially different ways. Taking time to reflect on the one you love, while seeking to discern how he or she is best loved well, benefits you and possibly your relationship.
Furthermore, how you express your love is worth contemplating at length. It is easy to fall into the trap of assuming the way you feel loved is the exact way someone else does too. Your best efforts at sharing your love potentially fall short of communicating the real extent of your love because it is not received in the same way it is given. Many of us can use the ideas and suggestions contained in the 5LL to help our initiative, creativity, and perseverance in loving well.
Potentially the greatest strength may be that individuals love more thoughtfully. How often do we actually ask good questions like: What will bring the greatest amount of blessing to this other person? What interests this person? What does he enjoy most? What seems to make her happiest?
There are a few weaknesses in considering the love languages, but let’s look at what I consider the top three. First, many people have looked at the 5LL as a silver bullet for relational bliss. The thinking goes something like this: “If I speak her love language and she is fulfilled, then I’ll get what I want.” This is a version of “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” The problem in this scenario is the self-seeking heart of the individual, not inherently a problem with misunderstanding the various ways to express love to another person.
The second weakness is when a person “discovers” the love language of another and assumes the work is done. “Now that I know his love language, this is the way I’ll express my love.” It is impossible to conflate the idea of sharing love with another person down to just one language. Author David Powlison challenges us to remember love speaks many languages fluently.
Third, Chapman suggests the basic problem in relationships is foundationally an empty emotional love tank (chapter 2). No doubt there are many great blessings and benefits from emotional fulfillment. For example, emotional fulfillment often encourages more patience, kindness, and perseverance. However, impatience and harsh words are not caused by or are not simply the result of an empty love tank. They are expressions of a sinful heart. Jesus taught, “from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34; cf. Luke 6:45).
So do you need to know the love languages to love well?
No. However, we must seek to love with all the wisdom and creativity the Scriptures demonstrate and demand. We must love like Christ (Ephesians 5:1-2). Chapman’s 5LL may provide you some valuable insight and help you be more creative in the process.